TOP TEN 'TAT' IN AN ASIAN HOUSEHOLD

1. PLASTIC COVERS

No I do not mean plastic packaging still left on settees to prevent hair oil from getting on them - that is just way too tatty. No, I refer to plastic applied to the TV remote control device; the plastic cover for the television, video, DVD and CD players and, my favourite, the hard-to-come-by heavy duty plastic cover that goes over the table cloth already covering the MDF dining table! I know that furniture pieces can make good heirlooms, but there is antique and then there is just plain old! The plastic cover doesn't help retain the value of your furniture.

2. PATTERNED CARPETS

We so love the visual chaos of heavily patterned carpets - yes, they are good at hiding dirt, but do you really want this hidden? The combination of patterned carpets, chintz curtains, flock wallpaper and Dralon settees is just psychedelic….yeah man! I wonder if Dralon was ever fashionable, even if it was (and still is) popular with Asians. A cheaper version of velvet, it creates copious amounts of static, sags in the middle and retains smells like nothing else - I am referring to settees here!

3. MURTI MANIA

Asians love their murtis, the more the merrier. Individually murtis or sculptures can be classically beautiful, but we just cannot resist the temptation to display them ALL at the same time on the same shelf, preferably atop a crocheted table runner.

4. TABLECLOTHS, RUNNERS & DOILIES

Take one simple wooden table finished with beautiful clean lines. Add one crocheted table runner and hey presto, 1970's nirvana. Ikea's advertising campaign advocating we "chuck out the chintz" should apply to tablecloths, runners and doilies too. They may be great for keeping dust off the furniture, but have you seen the amount of dust they themselves retain?

And no, a plastic tablecloth or runner is not any better.

5. Candlewick Bedspreads

Ah yes, the ubiquitous candlewick bedspread which has covered thousands of beds for decades and still seems to carry on doing so in Asian households. Available in those natty electric blue, fuchsia pink and hot purple colours that fade to pastel shades only after a million washes; if you still have a candlewick bedspread the time has come to send it to the great recycler in the sky.

6. Copper Clocks and Decorative Plates

It caused untold mirth - the scene in Gurinder Chadha's film 'Bend it Like Beckham' when Pinky is presented with a huge copper wall clock gift during her bridal mehndi - and can only be described as one of the last "in" jokes. Asians love their copper clocks. The bigger and gaudier, the better. This taste for tasteless wall clocks and decorative plates was given a new twist by East African Asians.

They added lions, impala, antelopes and buffalo to the existing range of elephants and dancing girls! Guaranteed to match with absolutely nothing, and likely to stop telling the time in fewer years then you've been married, the copper wall clock should immediately be bequeathed to the charity shop.

7. NYLON DOLLIES, BASKETS & JUG COVERS

This can only be described as an East African theme, but, I can only imagine that the searing midday sun had driven thousands of Asian housewives to produce useless tat from equally useless, but indestructible, nylon or acrylic fibre that seems to manufactured only in neon colours!

8. KITENGE

This beautiful, traditional, tie-dyed African fabric may bring a ray of sunshine into the life of the wearer, but does absolutely nothing for anyone else. Does nostalgia make us hang onto all those old kitenge clothes that make others laugh so riotously? Are we holding on until kitenge becomes fashionable? Well the bad news is that it never will. Kitenge, the fabric of a thousand kaftans, is an art form best left to extremely skilled fashion designers, artists and interior designers.

9. AFRICAN ANIMALS

Thousands of wild African animals have been slaughtered so that Asians can satisfy their thirst for hideous coffee tables made from zebra skin, decorative drums made from antelope skin, lion skin rugs, wall hanging antlers, and perhaps the most obscene of all, gorilla paw ashtrays. Yikes! As PETA would have it, animal skins are best left on animals.

Those who simply cannot resist a leopard-skin throw should consider the faux (fake fur) version to avoid a faux pas. And as for the hunting lodge look, they say, "you can take the man out of the hunting lodge, but you can't take the hunting lodge out of the man"….or at least its something like that. Time to hunt for a new look I think.

10. CORELLE/CORNING WARE

The 1970's are more evident in the kitchen than anywhere else in the home. Apart from those old Sanyo kitchen appliances, one thing you are sure to find in all Asian Household is the all-purpose Corelle/Corning ware. In my own house, we counted no less than ten times the number of plates, bowls and food savers to the number of inhabitants.

We literally have generations of Corelle-ware designs. Even though the product is not as indestructible as the manufacturers would have us believe, we simply cannot bear to throw it away. The result is a cornucopia of mismatched Corelle crockery.

Just in case any manufacturer decides to sue me, I would like to point out that is not the products themselves but the Asian touch that creates these décor disasters. We could make 'Prada' look like 'Pound-Stretcher' with our inappropriate use of materials and when it comes to "throwing it all together" we take this all too literally!

So it really is time to take stock and send our tat to the tip.